1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
