Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
