I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Watching her eat just hurts me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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