If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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