How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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