why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
