My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
