I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
