dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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