just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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