Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
