he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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