A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
