4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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