Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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