@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
