I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
