Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
