So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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