my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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