Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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