recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
