dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
