I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize