I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
