i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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