Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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