This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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