we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
