All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My feet surprised me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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