hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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