What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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