i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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