she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
