allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
