We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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