Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
