Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
there is glitter all over my balls
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
