his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
