i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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