Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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