My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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