You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
