just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
