Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
