I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize