my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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