this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize