We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
