just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
