So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
