STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
