woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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