OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
