so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
