It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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