New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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