Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize