He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
