somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
