What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
