I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
